American Sigh

(with apologies to Don Mclean)

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A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How videogames used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my exploding bag
That I could get those people fragged
And, maybe, they would respawn in a while.

But December made me shiver
With every download was delivered .
Bad news on the disc drive;
I didn't want to be alive

I almost but I didnt cry
When the disc did stop within the drive
The ring of death touched me deep inside
The day the died.

* sort-of chorus :
So bye-bye, XBox 360 disc drive
Drove my chevy to the EB,
But the EB was snide.
Anonymous gamertags were drinkin' Mountain Dew and coffee
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"My f*cking XBox 360 just died."

Did you code the book of love,
And do you have faith in a Powerglove,
If the Nintendo fanboi kicks your ass?
Does Guitar Hero believe in rock 'n roll,
Can Shang Tsung take your mortal soul,
And can DDR teach me how to dance real fast?

I know that you're in love with Sims
`cause I saw you runnin' from the gym.
You took out your change near the brand new "pin"
Man, I dig those videogames.

I was a lonely teenage pimply schmuck
With a NES and a special gaming Code for luck,
But I knew I was really f*cked
The day the videogames died.

*sort-of chorus

Now for years there's so much money blown
And dust colects 'round the telephone
But that's just how sh*t these days should be
When TiltBaby sang for the king and queen,
The Texas Hold'em update seemed real mean
Obscebities did flow and spew, from you and me,

Oh, and while the Koopa king was falling down,
Mario jumped around looking like a clown
The court of public opinion was adjourned;
No back-up discs were burned.
And while Gates read a book of Marx,
We practised Small Arms in the park
And we sang Singstar in the dark
The day.. 360. .. died.

*sort-of chorus
Gears of War in a winter swelter.
DOA boobs bouncing in a sweater
Eight miles high and falling fast.
The COG landed foul on the grass.
The players tried to frag my ass,
With J Allard on the sidelines in a cast.

Oh, and as J watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that Miyamoto's spell.
And as the system faded into the night,
To light the "red ring of death" rite,
I saw Ken Kuturagi laughing with delight
The day, 360 died.

*sort of chorus

God this song never f*cking ends
I'd rather be a diver with the bends
So you can all kiss my rear-end
the day, your system

2006-2015 Four Tokens Media, reprinted with permission