David Paterson and Rush Limbaugh to Wed in VermontSatire from Proxy Tallywacker 17 January 2010 In a strange development, at a hastily called Press Conference held earlier today, liberal, budget-cutting, Black, educated, and blind New York State Governor David Paterson and conservative, racist, pill-addicted, and uneducated talk show host Rush Limbaugh announced their engagement to be married. The wedding, it was announced, would be paid for by Governor Paterson's son using gambling proceeds and an ATM card he found in a dumpster on Seventh Avenue. “It was what Rush said about President Obama currying favor with light and dark skinned people that made me love him,” said Governor Paterson. “This guy [President Obama] wants me gone from my job! So when this man [Limbaugh] stood up to Obama it really got my attention. Plus he's really hot. Not that I'd know, because I'm blind.” “And let me tell you,” said Limbaugh, “what they say about black men is true!” “That we make bad quarterbacks?” asked Paterson, to much laughter. (Limbaugh, as readers will recall, lost a job as a football commentator for somehow dragging racialist politics into football commentary.) The happy couple plans to wed in Vermont, but will be honeymooning in Bergen County, New Jersey. The couple cannot wed in David Paterson's home State, because New York's gay marriage proposal recently went down to defeat in New York's State Senate, despite gay activists' helping to flip the State Senate to Democratic control in 2008. And despite the fact that New York State contains Manhattan. When asked about Governor Paterson's wife, Michelle, the Governor replied “who?” Mr. Limbaugh stepped in, and replied that his friend, Australian media mogul, billionaire, and known idiot Rupert Murdoch would be taking care of that angle. (On a possibly related note, Mrs. Paterson could not be found for comment.) When asked if Mr. Limbaugh was currently married, both men appeared confused. “You know,” said Mr. Limbaugh, “I don't know.” Mr. Limbaugh then took a few pills. When asked if politics would be discussed at the dinner table, Mr. Limbaugh stated “we won't be getting much eating done for the first year, if you know what I mean.” “I don't,” replied Governor Paterson, looking confused. When asked if he was a regular listener of his husband-to-be's talk show, Governor Paterson replied “regrettably yes. It's hard, honestly, to listen to other men monopolize my man's time like that. I'm glad I'm blind at times like these. It means I won't have to read his books.” Mr. Limbaugh appeared confused. “I have books?” he stated. “Well,” said the Governor. “You had your name on at least two, I don't know as you actually wrote any, let alone own any.” “Oh,” said Mr. Limbaugh. “I know I don't own any. Just keep your law books at the office.” Governor Paterson appeared hurt at this remark, probably because, though he graduated from law school, Governor Paterson never actually passed the State Bar Exam and became a lawyer. Security at the wedding will be provided by “Take Back Vermont,” a little-known militia-type group based out of the outskirts of Middlebury, known to be militantly anti-gay, yet also wanted for questioning in connection with the oral rape of a gay man in 2008. The Nation of Islam, Governor Paterson reported, was also approached to provide security, but were already committed that day to guarding Glenn Beck's wedding to Pope Benedict, to take place in Hawaii. Stated Governor Paterson, “the Nation of Islam seems to prefer the idea of helping out a gay wedding that actually makes some political sense. Take Back Vermont doesn't seem to much care.”
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